I am just going to freewrite about myself, never really have done this before but here goes....

I am cmpletely obsessed with idea of being a whole human being, I dont know why i cant seem to be interested in anything aelse other than being able to just enjoy life, i cant stop thinking my mind keeps running and i dont know what to do with myself material things dont really have any meaning to me, I try to find enjoyment in everyday activities but the thought of which seems impossible to me holy shit i guess im rhyming while typing this without even thinking .,.. interesting, the last time i remember being me was when i was tripping on the beach...

Drugs, alcohol, women, and cigarettes... these were things I used to mask the pain that i do not quite understand. I feel trapped by my parents and my family, sexual feelings seem repressed and the fear of irreversible damage threatens my very sanity to the point where i cannot concentrate on anything, I hate this world for the way that it is and that drives me crazy because of the fact that I do not feel like there is any other way to be trule happy other than being happy with the way thiat things are, I am completely freaking out all of the time and I am sick and tired of feeling like I have to do something, the something that i have to do is not quite clear to me either I am judging myself too harshly and wish that therre was an easier way around this, I had a life that I was convinced was mine, however it was one not for me but for the others around me, I am seeing a therapist and feel like he isnt helping much, I feel attached and trapped by him as well, I cant relax I have a pressure in my mind all of the time, I want something to kill this pain because i simply want to live again. Going to the pool, working out, driving a car, having sex, drawing, writing, playing games, talking loving, and feeling, have almost no worth to them whatsoever, i feel like i have gone somewhere in my mind and am having a extremely difficult time coming back. It is completely madenning and I ... I am simply going in circles, I halfway in between crying and screaming, it feels like i am surrounded by a wall glaring at me and laughing all of the time, The fact that I am sitting here writing this drives me absolutely mad because I feel like if I just keep talking about my problems they will never go away, I cant really pinpoint what I want to do with my life or where I want to go... I love my family, but I hate the way they look at me, They think that the way that I am is... wrong... it makes me extremely depressed to acknowledge this fact, I have been in and out of the court system for years of my life and I want those years back, I am only twenty years old and I feel like my life is over, and sometimes I want it to end... simply out of curiousity of the fact that if my biological function ends... maybe there is a light at the end of that tunnel,